Melanie77

Las Vegas is a month away and I’ve gained 3 pounds.

I’M SUCH A LOSER!

The $hit of it is that my birthday was this past weekend and I didn’t even have cake. What the hell is up with that!

No cake and still gained 3 pounds! I’ll say it again…LOSER

ok I’m done beating myself up, I’m makinga promise to myself from here on out it’s healthy eating and exercising.

I’ve got to do this. I want to get to my goal, I don’t just want to get comfortable and not make it all the way. 

I hate myself for being weak and I love myself because I know I’m human. 

I just feel like exercising is so hard for me to fit in with all the stuff I do in a day. I miss going to the gym but life just doesn’t give me the time to get there, I’ve tried working out at home, but I’m not in the element at home and I don’t feel like I push myself hard enough. It’s to cold to take a bike ride or power walk. Plus I’ve been eating and nibbling. Not eating icecream or junk like I used to, but I’ve binged on peanut butter and the left overs on my daughters plate here and there. 

Coming here is the only place I can say these things outloud (relatively speaking isn’t writing here for the world to read saying it outloud), somehow confessing that I’ve cheated and have been lazy makes me feel guilty and want to discontinue this destructive behavior.

Stuck in reverse and can’t get into first gear.

I need help and strength

Ok so I finished cleaning the dishes at 7:45pm last night and by 8:00pm I closed the light and annouced to the family that the diner aka my kitchen, was closed for the night….

I managed to work out 45 minutes of cardio and then 20 minutes of sculpting and toning.

But it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for……..

I’ve realized that I’m going about this whole weight loss thing the wrong way.

I’ve always viewed food as the enemy.  But is food really my enemy or am I the enemy of food?

Sometimes I feel like I have no control over myself.  I try not to beat myself for having a bad day but lately good days have been ending bad.  I feel like I can’t stop repeating old habits and I haven’t been able to get back on track with my food intake and my carb intake.

So today I’ll try again.  I did manage to exercise yesterday evening, which I was happy about.  And the new daycare I enrolled my son in does have a gym and the three days a week that he goes I do plan on working out. 

I’ve tried journaling my food intake on here but the minute I have to write out what I eat I resent it and end up cheating.  Maybe I’m just not the type of person who needs to journal what they eat, but more has to journal the thoughts I have about my eating and weightloss.

I started dieting in Feb 2006, I joined this site in April 2006 and to date I have lost a total of 54 pounds.  I’ve got 38 pounds to go and I want at least be half way there by April.

I keep looking at weight loss success stories, thinking about when I reach my goal that I’ll have a success story of my own.  Hoping that I find that inspiration again somewhere to keep me focused and on track.

Yesterday I took all my clothes off and stood in front of my full length mirror.  I can see an amazing difference but the results are not where I want them to be. I know I need to be patient and I am for the most part. But I’ve got a trip to Vegas coming up in April and I just want to feel like I can wear a bathing suit and not feel like I have to cover myself while I’m wearing it, I want to jump in the pool and not feel like that splash I just made emptied it.

I know I’ll never have a perfect body, I was fat for a long time and I have two kids. I don’t need perfection but I do need to be comfortable. 

I’m staying positive, I’m happy today. I can laugh at my silliness and I have faith in myself. I know that Todays actions will determine my success tomorrow. Now I just need to find that strenght I’m so lacking at times. Mainly at 10pm when the peanut butter jar in the cabinet is calling my name!!!!! gurgle gurgle gurgle

I had lost my way for a little while there.  It’s been way to long since I’ve come to this site and spewed my internal chaos onto all of you.

Lately I’ve been asking friends to send me pictures of myself from last year.  And it’s amazing to look back and see myself totally different from the way I see myself now.  Only thing is I don’t notice it until I look at a picture. 

Why does the mirror (or should I say my mind) play such tricks on me.  I know the pants I’m wearing today are a size 14 and I know the pants I wore last year at this time were a size 22, but why can’t I see that when I look in the mirror.  All I see is the same person. 

It’s a huge misconception to believe that changing something about yourself that you didn’t like physically would make you see yourself or love yourself mentally. 

When I look at pictures of myself from last year I can visably see the difference and it encourages me.  But I’ve still got some inner healing to face as well.

Still 198, I’ve been a bit lazy with exercising and eating well lately.  I feel like my life just doesn’t allow me the time to work on all the things I need to get done in a day.  I try my hardest to put time aside for exercising but it rarely happens.  Once this next fashion show I’m creating jewelry for is over I’ll start making more time for working out versus just working.

I’ve got 38 more pounds to lose before I hit my goal.  Seems so small in comparison to the 92 pounds I had to lose when I first started.  For the first time in 10 years I’m under 200 pounds.  It feels great, but I know reaching my goal will feel so much better. 

Last year I struggled through a very bad depression, I couldn’t stand the way I looked or felt, I loathed myself and couldn’t understand why anyone would want to love me or find me attractive. I obsessed so much over this it made me sick, I even would find myself questioning why my husband would even want to be with me. Filling my own head with thoughts of him cheating on me and wanting to find comfort in the arms of someone more beautiful and fit.

I’ve come a long way since then, I made a goal to be under 200lbs by my 30th Birthday and I did it. I celebrate my 30th the 17th of this month. I made a goal to continue working on my desire to be a jewelry designer and I’m doing it.  It feels good to accomplish these things and it makes me want to keep going.