Melanie77

I’ve been more consicious of the foods I have been eating this week so far.

I felt like I had gained more weight since returning from vacation.  I avoided the scale on Monday like it was the Black Plague!

Monday I went bike riding in the rain.  I didn’t care, it was icky and refreshing all at the same time if that’s even possible.

Yesterday I headed to the gym with my husband.  I did 45 minutes of cardio, 20 minutes of stomach and weight toning.  Got home stripped down and headed for the shower.  I decided to pull the scale out.  I needed to know what damage I had done to myself. No matter how badly I was going to feel once I saw the numbers I still forced myself to get on.

The scale reads 212, has to be wrong.  I get off calibrate it for a second time, get on again! 212.  Can’t be! I repeat the process 4 more times and everytime it reads the same number.

I don’t know how that could be accurate.  I thought for sure that the Nathan’s I ate on Sunday would totally come back to haunt me . 

I’m happy about it, but I don’t know if I should believe it.  I want to believe it! But I just don’t see how when I came home from Mexico I was 3 pounds heavier then when I left, and a week later, after semi poor eating I’m a pound lighter then I was before I left for Mexico.

I’ve got to get to my doctor’s office and weigh in there! It’s the only was I will know for sure.

On a good note, nothing I own fits me anymore.  Everything is so huge on me.  So today I am going shopping for some new jeans! size 16 here I come!!! Woot!

There are no meaning behind some of the titles I post on my blogs. 

I’m a big music buff, I’ve played guitar for over 13 years.  It’s one of my favorite things to do.  So naturally I’m the girl on train drowning out the chatter of my fellow commuters with my Ipod.

Usually I take a line from the last song I listened to on my way to my office building.  To me one of the most amazing things about music is that a song writer can write a few words on a piece of paper, pair it with a few cords and the outcome is a soul soothing tone that can explain any emotion, can connect with any person.  It’s as if they can take a moment of your life and express it through music. 

I think the difference between myself and some others is that when I listen to music it’s not just me listening to it, it’s a matter of feeling it, of absorbing it all in, becoming part of it.  I was raised by two very free spirited hippies whose idea of a lullaby was playing “octopuses garden” by The Beatles when I would go to sleep at night.

Anyway I needed to talk about something other then weightloss today.  And I felt why not talk about something that is genetically coursing through my veins.  Almost every single member of my family is musically enclined.  From my great grandfather who made maracas in Cuba to my father who was a basist for a band in the 70’s, to all of my sisters who sing and play instruments to even my daughter who has a new found love for the piano and plans on taking flute in the school band this year. 

Now it would be nice if I could be as dedicated to weight loss as I am to learning a new song.  Funny how that works out.

I didn’t do well with food this weekend. No sense in rehashing it all, Sunday was my son’s 1st birthday, and we went to the NYC Aquariam which is right next door to Coney Island home of Nathan’s World Famous Hot Dogs, and I mean come on can you blame me for not wanting to break a tradition! lol.

My punishment for eating 2 hot dogs and cheese fries! Yup, indigestion!! I deserve it!

I cheated last night, I’m very upset about it.  I ate several spoonfuls of rice when I was supposed to be washing the dishes.

I need to get back to where I was before I left for Mexico.  Being bad for 4 days really makes it hard to get back on track. 

I didn’t cheat terribly, the whole day I had stuck to my diet, but when dinner rolled around my mom had made rice- beans and pork chops.  I stole a few spoonfuls when I was emptying the leftover into the garbage.

I just want this person inside me who craves to binge eat to leave me alone already.  Just burry itself deep inside so I no longer remember that they ever existed.

Today I’m starting over again, drinking water only, 1 egg for breakfast, leafy greens for lunch and meat and veggies for dinner. 

I’ve got to reach my mini goal but Halloween.  Because then I’ll only be 40 pounds from my finish goal and I want to get there so badly. 

I need strength.

Back from Mexico and for the record I could totally live there!! I love tropical weather, so does my hair! lol I had the best 4 hair days of my life out there.

We had a beautiful time in a most beautiful place.  I didn’t worry about anything.  I did gain 3 pounds but I’m not beating myself up about it.  I’m back on my diet and in truth I feel that drinking beer for 4 days straight can do that to you!!!!

It was a well needed vacation but it ended to quickly.  We’ve decided to go back again in April and to bring our daugther with us as well.  I can’t wait.  I know that April isn’t around the corner but I also know that it will be here before I know it. 

I was said about coming back to NYC, although thrilled to be with my little ones again.  I told my husband I wish that I could just grab him and the kids and just move there and never look back.  I love NYC, I’ve lived here all of my life, but there’s just something about waking up at 6:00am and taking a dip in crystal blue waters that screams “THIS IS WHERE I NEED TO SPEND THE REST OF ME LIFE”. 

I loved every minute of it….

Anyway, back to eating no carbs or soda or cervesa’s.  I know that the shock of being home is over and I’ve settled back into the routine of life, but I can still smell the salt water and sun on my skin and some of my clothes.  I keep closing my eyes and pretending I’m back at the resort.  I must look very strange sticking my nose in my shirt, but I don’t care what my co-workers think!!

PS I didn’t stress about being in a bathing suit once, I saw some people in Cancun who truly didn’t care what they had on and my thought was “well if she can wear that, then I’m ok in this!!” I admire their ability to not give a sh!t, but I also found myself saying at some points. Damn she shouldn’t of worn that………

Down 2 more pounds!!!! Hooray!!!!

I still have not worked out this week.  I suck!

My hubby and I have made a pack to work out and eat healthy together and start taking this weight loss things a little more seriously. 

Well at least he will.  I’m ahead of the game on that one.  And I think he’s starting to feel guilty about the fact that I’ve lost 35 pounds and he hasn’t lost 1.  lol

It’ll be nice to work out together.  I love riding my bike, I can just bike ride for hours, and I get a great work out from it. I even put on my waist belt, which I sweat a disgusting amount in!

Cancun in 3 days.  I hope I can stick to my diet while I’m there.  Maybe I’ll just drink the water so I can get swampa$$ and lose the 13 pounds I need to drop in order to reach my mini goal!!

I’m just kidding, but I had to say it.  I find statements like that to be humorous!

Anyway I don’t have much to say today.  I’m happy about the 2 pound drop.  I even had a piece of cheesecake on Thursday, I was afraid that cheesecake would of made a difference but I guess it didn’t. 

I need to get better at keeping record of my calorie intake.  I need to be able to find out how many calories a handful of this or a cup of that is!! I would also like to try and find out what my BMI is.  Although I’m scared to find out!

I had paid a visit to the doctor and I was nervous about stepping on the scale there.  Because that’s like the test of all tests.  It’s the harsh reality that your scale could be totally lying to you.

But behold I stepped on that scale and it was exactly what mine said!!! While I sat in the examination room with my very stylish white paper gown, I stared at the scale where the numbers indicated my weight and I couldn’t believe that I went from the far end of that scale all the way to the other side.

15 more pounds to being under 200 pounds for the first time in 10 years.  I’m so excited I can’t wait to get there!!!

Today is officially my 9 year wedding anni!!

Nothing major planned for the evening.  We are saving some money as we have extra to spend on our trip next week.

I haven’t worked out this week, everyday there is something else to do, and I just haven’t had time.  I’ve got to get back on the ball.

I’ve been very careful about my food intake.  This part has become very easy for me.  Although I would love to have a cookie or a piece of cake, whenever I feel the urge I ask myself how I will feel after I eat it.  But for the most part I don’t even think about having junk food or soda.  I’m happy with having water with my meals and since I’ve gone down 2 dress sizes I’m more motivated in regards to keeping the bad food out of my mouth.

I talked with a friend of mine about my insercurities of being in a bathing suit on the beach, and she told me that I should walk that beach like I own it.  To keep my chin up and not compare myself to others (a constant hurdle I struggle to jump over everyday).  I’m trying to tell myself positive things, I’m trying to be more confident.  I’m nervous but what else can I do at this point.

I know this is never going to be an overnight thing but I wish it could be.

Otherwise work has been busy, my jewelry business has been busy, my family life is of course….busy.  These things keep me going.  As well as my hubby.  He’s been great these past few days and I’m happy to have him as mine.  We’ve been together for so long, since the age of 17. I just can’t believe that we made it this far and that we are still very happy in very much in love with each other.  I’m proud of our relationship, of our children, of how far the both of us have gone in life.  The last 9 years have been hard but amazing and I’m looking forward to the rest of my life with him!

After a long a week of not exercising I still managed to lose 2 pounds.  Which is GREAT.

I haven’t been feeling super happy about myself lately, I’m getting better but that sadness, that unexplainable sadness with myself is still there lingering in the back of my mind.

I’ve always had a hard time loving myself.  I’m trying, no one ever sad it was going to be so hard, but no one said it would be easy either.

Yesterday I talked to my father, well I talked to his ashes (he’s been gone 10 years now).  I stood infront of his urn and picture and I cried at how hard it is to be without him.  I feel so alone sometimes in life. I asked him to help me through this, to give me strength.  I hope that he heard me.  I asked him to help me feel that love, the love only a parent can make you feel.  Like you have a purpose, you’re needed,

I’m afraid that everytime I look in the mirror I’m not going to see the progress I have made.  I in total I have lost over 30 pounds.  I’ve gone down 2 dress sizes, but I can’t see it.  I know that this is a self perception thing that I need to over come. 

Eating wise I’m doing great.  I even managed to get in a 30 minute bike ride yesterday.  I’m drinking plenty of water as well.

I’m just not happy today.  I feel sad about numerous things.  I get here sometimes, I don’t like being here, but I’m here today. 

I hate when I look at myself and can’t see past any of the exterior, I hate comparing myself to others.  It’s so easy to hurt myself, it’s so easy to hate things about myself. 

I would love to be one of those people who look like they just don’t give a damn.  I need to be stronger!

I need a little tenderness!!