Melanie77

I am proud to say that I did work out yesterday…. Hooray!

I also managed to avoid late night snacking…. Wasn’t to productive on the art making front, but those are the breaks right now.

After working out, hubby and I watched the Biggest Loser together.  I really want to go to a bootcamp like that just without the cameras.  I would love for someome to bust my ass for 14 weeks straight and teach me all the do’s and don’t’s….

But then I know deep down inside that if I dedicated myself to this more, I could accomplish this on my own.  So my new goal for this week is to re-budget myself and somehow work in a gym membership and a personal trainer.

I want to sweat like they sweat on that show.  I need to someone to push me harder then I’m willing to push myself and offer brutal honestly.

I want to give this as a gift to myself and to my husband…

I hope today moves quickly.  I’m feeling a bit hungrier then usual.  I had a bowl of cherrios and a banana.  And the tank doesn’t feel full.  Gotta go get some water and chew on some sugar free gum……

Thanks for all the posts of encouragement from my fellow weight losers!! You are all inspiring and amazing.

This weekend was a bust; Saturday I didn’t eat well at all, Sunday was better but could have been healthier.  Yesterday was ok, I did have a cookie, I feel awful and weak about it.  What else can I do other then move forward?

Today is off to a good start and I have to work out tonight.  I have plans to either bike ride or get on the treadmill.  It will be one or the other.  I packed my lunch and had Cherrios for breakfast.  I’m still focused.

I’m just discontented.  I’m really unmotivated at my 9 to 5.  I’m caught up in this feeling that I’m just not where I’m supposed to be.  I want to do something with my life.  I just don’t know what.

I’m realizing that if I don’t figure something else out for myself and do some serious soul searching that I will never be satisfied with anything that I do.  I want to work for myself and I know that I want to create art.  I wish I had more time to dedicate to my craft.  There are so many things that I love to make and create. 

I know I’m not alone.  I know that we all do what we have to in order to pay our bills and provide for our families.  I just wish that the world we lived in ensured that you do have the ability to partake in the things that fulfill you. 

There just isn’t enough time for spending quality time with the family, exercise and make art when you have to dedicate 12 hours of your day to commuting and working.  It’s very frustrating and I feel so overwhelmed and constricted.   I know this is again about balance and juggling life.  I know that I have to fit the pieces of the puzzle together and develop a schedule that allows me to focus on the many things I want to accomplish. 

Right now I’m hanging on until my littlest child heads to kindergarten.  Once he’s in the school system I won’t have to pay more then half of my salary for daycare.  One more year and I can focus on making art and seeing if it’s something I can do that would substantiate enough income. 

It really makes me wish that I could travel back in time and live during an era when things were a bit simpler, like the turn of the 20^th century.  Those people had their fare share of struggles but I believe that life was simpler and less stressful.  Today worth is based upon monetary achievement; their worth was based upon what skills you had.  I’d love to see what the world was like, in my own eyes, before TV’s, before cell phone, before corporations and capitalism, surviving off of mother earth without polluting her beauty, when building a house meant that each piece was made by hand.  That’s the level of craft and dedication I want to share a piece of.

I know this is off the topic of weight loss but in a way it is relative.  If I don’t feel successful in all aspects of my life it’s easy to neglect everything.  Where I do need to stay positive and keep a focus on the things I can achieve momentarily, I also feel the need to look towards the future and change whatever I can in order to be as fulfilled and happy as I possibly can.

Hope you all are successful and happy today….

will you give it to me……

Tonight hubby and I have plans to go out and I’m worried I won’t get a work out in.  I’m going to do my best to make it happen because I want to stay focused and I want to stay in this zone that I’m in right now..

Today is a nasty day out, it’s dark and rainy and dreary and it just puts me in the foulest mood but I know “I don’t have to be this way”….. Always look on the bright side of life…….

There was an office party today, once every two months we hold a little party, each department thinking of something fun for all of us to together.  It’s a very cute idea.  Today we had a game off, checkers, connects, shoots and ladders, jenga.  It was definitely alot of fun.  I was greatful that some healthly people put this party together.  They opted for simple, hot dogs and salad and chips, but they ordered some vegan hot dogs, which are 100 calories each.  I was so happy.  I certainly didn’t want to have a regular hot dog and I’ve had salad three days in a row and really wasn’t feeling just having salad.  The veggie hot dogs were really good, and I had mine with a whole wheat bun.  I did have some salad as well…..Then I played jenga, connects and taboo!!! Kicked butt on all three.  I’m a bit competitive when it comes to games. I love them!

I’m a bit nervous about the weekend because it’s very easy to get off track and cheat.  My mantra is stay focused Melanie…..You can do this!

This is not ust about being thinner it’s about being healthier…..This is forever not just for the immediate gratification. 

Last night was a little out of balance, not all the cards landed on the table just right, but even though my toddler was being a little stinker and delayed my work out, I got it in, and I pushed myself really hard.  When I finally got him to sleep it was 8:30, I worked out until 9:35!! I used the bowflex and cardio on the treadmill.  And while on the treadmill I put some music that makes you want to shake your butt and I danced on the treadmill, at least moved more of my upper body then just pumping my arms.  I was drenched with sweat and I felt really good afterwards.

 Just gott stay focused for this weekend!! I’m scared!

Hope you have a great weekend!

and I don’t listen to the guys who say that you’re bad for me and I should turn you away, cause they don’t know about us, they’ve never heard of love!!!!!!…….

Yesterday was a great day and today is shaping up to be not so shabby.  The sun is out even though rain was in the forecast, which always brightens my spirits.

 Yesterday I stayed focus on on target with my eating.  Hubby had dinner waiting for me again when I got home from work….Steak….Fresh veggies and white rice….the white rice wasn’t the best but we are hispanic and rice is vital to our survival! lol  It really isn’t but any other hispanic out there knows that Goya rice is the equivalent to crack for us!

I had a small portion of it and then my husband  told me to get upstairs to our how gym (bo-flex and treadmill) and work out.  Since it was raining I couldn’t go bike riding.  Well I worked out for an hour.  I pumped iron for 30 minutes and then power walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  It felt great and I was really proud of myself.  I also did 35 squats with 5 pound weights. 

Today I ran late for work, so I grabbed a banana and had a hand full of Cherrios, lunch was a salad and veggie burger (no bun, no cheese), I think pasta is on the menu for tonight because we forgot to pull meat out….I just have to keep portion control in mind.

Portion control? I hate even saying those words because mostly I’m never satisfied.  It’s not until I’m pushing myself away from the table in pain that I’ve had enough.  I know this is a matter of reprogramming my brain, but it’s going to take a long time before I can eat the small portion of food that I should be consuming and am able to say, I’m full…. I’m full is not a part of my vocabulary but at least I am aware that my addiction to food has caused my body never to feel full and that I can correct this.

I plan on working out again tonight, hopefully the sun will stay so I can go bike riding with my daughter.  If not I’m thinking about a dance off in the living room with the kids……

Just have to keep positive, focus on the good things.  I’m loved, I’m blessed, I can control this and I can do this, I’m strong enough and I’m worth it!

Hope you are all successful today!

Here I go again.

Yesterday was a great day and has made for an extremely happy me today!

Got home and my husband had dinner ready to go, baked lean pork chops, half of a yam sprinkled with brown sugar and steamed fresh broccoli….It was perfect and healthy.  I was all set to ride my bike with my daughter but my husband insisted that instead all 4 of us go for a powerwalk at the park.  And so we did for 45 minutes.  There are hiking trails at this particular park we go to, so we were up and down big hills.  The kids loved it and so did I. 

When we got home it was just in time for bath and bed, so I told our 3 year old, while my husband and daughter straightened up the dishes from dinner and the first floor of the house.  When I was finished I came downstairs to the both of them doing the Wii Fit.  We all put in 25 minutes, step aerobics and balance games (hulla hooping is my personal favorite). 

After we all finished our daughter got ready for bed and my husband and I relaxed for an our watching the biggest loser (gotta love DVR and fast forwarding commercials).  During the show they talked about balance and how if you don’t have balance in your everyday life and manage juggling all the of day to day things you’ll never be successful.

Yesterday we were balanced.  We all pitched in to help and we all got to work out together.  I felt so light, so not stressed about finishing everything and still finding the time to exercise.  It was a perfect work day!

Hubby and I both agreed that we need to balance our lives together so that we both benefit while ensuring that the family still functions.  I don’t expect everyday to be like yesterday, but I am thankful that it was.  I know that even if I have a bout with depression or maybe didn’t get to work out that I can still overcome the obstacle and make tomorrow a better day.

I wish feeling like this would be an everyday thing but I know that I live in reality and sometimes things don’t always go to plan.  But the amazing support system I do have makes me know that there isn’t anything I can’t do!

My family is my world and in the end nothing else matters, they make me beautiful and complete.

I ate a small bowl of Cherrios for breakfast.  I have a banana for snack and left over salad for lunch, just need a piece of protien, maybe a veggie burger (no bun or cheese) and dinner will be roasted potatoes, French cut greens and drilled steak.  I’m looking forward to it.

One more note.  I didn’t snack last night, I didn’t eat anything other then my three meals, hubby and I did have a cup of coffee when we got back from walking but I used skim milk and splenda.

Hope you are all successful today….

I rode my bike yesterday with my daughter.  It was chilly but I felt so free, and being with her is always wonderful.  She’s getting so much older and I have to enjoy as much time with her as I can before she’s 16 and wants nothing to do with me! lol 

As we were riding I reflected deeply upon what I was experiencing, what my emotions were and how I got to where I am currently.  I have suffered from depression before, I’ve done the chemical thing and I know that deep down inside I don’t have to be this way.  This is my main focus right now, when the world starts weighing down on me and I start obsessing about my weight or my hair or my imprefections I have to remind myself that I don’t have to do this to myself.  It’s a choice, just like eating cookies is a choice. 

This won’t always work because sometimes there are things within us, so deeply rooted, that a simple “you don’t have to be this way” can’t fix.  But yesterday it helped and today I feel a bit better about myself. 

Even though I have gained 25 pounds in 2 years, I still have to be aware that getting down to 198 was an accomplishment.  And if I did it before I can do it again.   I have a beautiful family and no matter what ugliness I have inside myself I can’t let that take away from the blessing that I do have.  I don’t want this ugliness inside of me to ruin their beauty. 

Why is it so much easier believing in and supporting those around you then it is yourself.  But I guess that just comes down to not loving myself enough to care. 

Bike riding again tonight is definitely on the agenda and I plan on doing some squats and sit ups.  Eating well is also on the agenda for today.  Cherrios for breakfast, veggies and protien for lunch and dinner.  And plenty of water.  I’ve already had 2 cups so far this morning.

Thanks for the notes and the encouragement, I hope you all are successful today.

But it’s not.  When I first got down to 198, I swore I would never put that weight back on, that was June 2007.  Well it’s March 2009 and I’ve put more then half of my weight back on.  I’m 225.  Seeing that number scares me and it depresses me.

I came here today to write out this negative energy that is just consuming me.  Yesterday I cried almost all day and even had thoughts of how much better it would be if I just didn’t exist.  Saying that outloud is the most horrible thing I’ve ever said.

How did I get here, why did I do this to myself again.  I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I hold myself back.  I don’t know how to fix me.  I feel like I had a hold on all this and then somehow I forgot the rules and I’ve lost my way completely.

 I shared my feeling with my husband and he told me that I’ll never know how much he loves me, how much I am loved because I don’t love myself and that’s what keeps me from reaching my goals. 

I don’t love myself, I don’t know how to.  I’ve been programmed to have no self worth.  God I can’t stand feeling sorry for myself.  Why is it so much easier then doing what I am supposed to.  I’m stronger then this, I know that I am but I’m so f*cked up in the head. 

I want to come back here everyday. I want to be back down to 200 by June. I want to try again and forget about yesterday and just focus on today.  God please give me the strength to accept myself, to love myself, to do what’s right for myself and my family. 

I’m not ready to give up and accept that this is who I have to be forever!

You better THINK….. or at least I better think.

 I’m not falling into the typical trap.  Do great for two weeks and then fall back into the old comfort zone, food is always my friend. I don’t know what happened yesterday but I felt just so overwhelmed,  I had a bunch of intrusive thoughts, I’m never going to lose more weight, I’ll never reach my goal, I’ll always be  fat and have to worry about what I wear.  Nothing ever looks good.  I really just broke down. Even with the little voice inside of me trying to coax me out of it. 

 I am acknowledging that yesterday I was in a funk.  I did not have junk food but I did feel like having it, binge eating was tempting. I got a hold of myself the best I could and did treat myself to 2 graham cracker squares with milk and it did help take the urge away. 

Yesterday I wrote, but I didn’t include my intake.  Poor planning = poor eating.  I didn’t go outside of my 3 meals a day, but they could of been better. 

It won’t be the case today.  I have planned out my day and my food and this will help me ensure that I stick with it and not give into temptation and comfortability.

I have plans to work out tonight as well as clean the house.  This is a lifetime change not a two week change.  I am going to have good days and bad ones, I just have to try and have more good then bad and work myself out of the funk that sometimes I can so easily sink into.

The summer is over, the days are shorter and although it may be darker earlier I will have to make the most out of all the hours I have in a day.

Intake Today

Breakfast:  1 cup cooked oatmeal with freshly cut strawberries (they were really good strawberries, my blouse can prove it!) with 1 sweet n low, 1 cup of tea.

Lunch: Large salad with mixed greens a boiled egg and a small soup

Dinner: Steak (gotta grill while I still can lol)  1 baked potato and veggies.

Water Water Water!!!!

This weekend did not involve dedication or willpower.  I didn’t binge eat but my meals were not well planned nor really healthy. 

It was just very busy and that didn’t really leave room to plan out my meals and live by my Unwise, better and best.

I also need to invest in a new scale because mine claims I’ve gained 5lbs, which I know can’t be possible. 

Now it’s Monday and I woke up late, hate what I’m wearing and just can’t wait to go home.

Tonight I have to go food shopping and I’m going to stock up on healthy treats and lunches so I can continue on my weight loss way.

For now I’m just crabby! booo!

“Had a lot bad relationships, don’t get by because I’m not equipped, I believe that the whole world should revolve around me”!!

 In a very big singing mood this morning.  I really have to say that the 5 minute walk I make to the ferry from my car really pumps me up for the day.  Put on my ipod and strut my stuff.  Although that walk up the big hill yesterday was a KILLER!!!!!  And it’s waiting for me on the way home today too.  And I got a great spot today too, just happened to pull behind someone who was pulling out.  It’s one of those days were nothing can go wrong. 

Last night I did my pushups, the first 8 are getting much easier, then I did 2 more sets of 5 and crunches and scissor sit ups, which I can only do like 4 at a time.

Little by little.

Still haven’t eaten after 7pm, and I feel like I’ve lost weight.  Jeans that were tight this past winter are loose around the waist today.  Tomorrow I’ll weigh in….So nervous about that.

I’m random and flighty today!! I’ll probably edit this is a few hours.  If not have a great weekend, stay strong.

Intake Today:

 8 0z water

Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg, granny smith apple and a small coffee

Lunch: Tuna salad (Lettuce and cucumbers), 1/4 cup trail mix, 1 orange

Dinner: Taco night, made with ground turkey meat instead of beef……..